It’s Crazy Out There! KNOW THIS Before Your Next Flight.
It’s Crazy Out There! KNOW THIS Before Your Next Flight.
I’m not a seasoned road-warrior but I’ve suffered in the trenches long enough for life-time status on a major airline.
Early boarding, extra bag, free upgrades (an urban myth), preferred seating, and lounge entrances.
But what do I use more than anything?
My super-duper list of in-air survival hacks and travel gear.
Bags of better nuts, red vines, two miniature liquor bottles in case of jack hammer turbulence, schmooze lines so attendants will give me a second cup of water and not act like I just asked for a seven course meal, an effective I-hear-no-crying-babies-on-this flight set of headphones, some just-in-case-tackle-plans, and a hard drive loaded with classic comedies.
Now that we’ve established my qualifications as an expert, here’s some survival tips guaranteed to keep you from going viral due to inappropriate postal behavior in flight.
Be Over The Top Nice And Don’t Look For Justice.
This action adds to your calmness as well as the calmness of those around you. With all the in-air melt downs these days, who wants to be trapped with a crazed ping pong ball at 40,000 feet? Or become a ping-pong yourself? So don’t look for right or wrong. Look to land. In one piece. And without a new and unwanted social media presence.
Your focused congeniality will endear you to others and come in handy if an emergency occurs.
As a plane fills with smoke, fellow passengers will select one of three options.
A. They’ll trample you to death
B. Shove you by the face back into your seat.
C. Or allow you to enter the hysterical herd of primates pushing to the exits.
Being friendly at the gate, during the boarding process and once you’re seated, helps to ensure that people choose C.
** Be respectful to those in the exit rows. These folks have been specially trained not to panic by the cardboard instructions in the seat flap in front of them. They’ll yank the latch correctly, and dutifully assist everyone to safety if a dangerous situation occurs.
**Continue to develop your close relationship with the flight attendants. They hold the sacred secrets to the elusive oxygen masks always demonstrated, but never seen.
Should the oxygen refuse to flow, even from that second mask you just snatched from the kid next to you, they’ll hurry to your side and fix it.
But only if they like you. There’ll be a lot of gasping people to chose from. Make sure you’re one of the ones they select.
Cultivate Comradery Like You’re a Superhero.
I make eye contact with everyone in my row and give a heartfelt greeting.
‘Hi,’ or ‘Hey’ or ‘What’s up” is fine. That way, if someone stands and says, “No one move, or else!” I’ll have a team in place ready to take action. I like to imagine my small group as the In-flight Avengers.
To the side of me today is a great-great grandmother. Eighty-five maybe? How did she get a seat in the exit row? I wonder if she’s strong enough to yank the steel door open… And per our verbal contract with the flight attendant, is she really capable of helping the other passenger’s to safety? Has she memorized the ‘How To’ for this particular exit-door model?
I study her skeptically. She appears wise in a crown of white hair and her deep blue eyes remind me of older Rose in the movie, Titanic.
She smiles.
I smile back.
Change of plans. I was hoping to be the first one out. You know, the one who catches everyone that slides down the emergency chute after them? Outside? Further from the flaming plane? Now I’d have to open the door, push Rose through first and then be the rescuer inside for awhile.
The guy in the aisle seat is a seasoned road-warrior. I nodded at him when I sat down. He acknowledges me because he gets that we’re on a team. The X-Men with Grandma Rose. He will take my place when its my time to exit.
As Rose tries to start a conversation, he slips on his Bose earphones pretending not to hear. A little rude. Yes. But when someone senses a Chatty Cathy with no filter on a long flight, it’s every man for himself.
She doesn’t seem to mind, and leans forward to focus on a young girl across the aisle.
“Is your cell phone on, dear?” Rose asks. “It should be off by now.”
The girl hides her irritation and tucks the phone away. There was a solid 23 seconds before the final shut down on electronics was announced. How many texts, instragrams, and twitters had been thwarted? Five? Ten? A thousand? Who knows. Her fingers were hyper-fast and smooth as butter.
But, disrespecting Rose from Titanic wasn’t an option for anyone.
Rose turns to me with interest and intention.
I die a little inside.
“I’m flying to Miami to visit my son,” she says loudly as if I was the one who was hard of hearing. “They’re throwing me a big party. Guess they love their granny. Where you going?”
“Miami too,” I reply quietly. I hate blaring my highly classified Intel a quiet plane.
“That’s nice dear. Didn’t I see you at security? You were trying to sneak a bottle of water past the guards. Got caught, didn’t ya?”
“I forgot. The Uber guy gave it to me on the taxi ride to the airport.”
“You can’t take liquids over 3 ounces on board.” Her megaphone voice was nothing like sweet Rose’s. A woman from the row in front lifts up and twists to see me.
The Water Sneaker.
“The rules are posted all over the airport. I check my purse before I show my ID at the first stop. Then re-check it again before I get x-rayed. It’s hard to ‘just forget’, if ya know what I’m saying.” Her eyes squint at me suspiciously.
Who was she? Nightmare Granny from the deepest dark side?
“Well I hope we have a good flight.” I put my headphones on to end the conversation.
She ignores the gesture and speaks so loudly, I’m forced to engage again.
“You can’t pack aerosol cans on either. They explode. Did you forget those too? Did you bring hairspray or under-your arm-deodorant on board with you?”
I snatch off my headphones. “You mean antiperspirant?”
The guy in the second isle up, crosses himself. Obviously, it’s his first flight. I’m putting him on my team because he’s big and strong. I try to catch his eye, but he’s praying too hard.
“Aerosols under 3 oz. such as hairspray are allowed in carry-ons,” I whisper.
“So you DID bring an explosive can in your bag.” She glances at the big guy so he’s now alerted to the danger she’s uncovered.
“Is it hot in here?” I ask, turning on my overhead fan.
“Cans are prohibited. That’s why there’s a fat red line across them. They explode and cause fires in the luggage department too.”
The big guy turns to stare at me. The woman in front, peeks between the seats. The road-warrior closes his eyes and tilts his head back. He just wants to find his happy place.
“That’s an old wives tale.” I repeat the words louder. “Old, old wives tale.”
“If you’re so sure about that, then you don’t mind if I ring the stewardess and ask her, do you?”
I study the white-haired devil lady beside me. We have a six-hour flight together. I knew the rules. I’m Frequent Flyer of status, but she was determined to prove me wrong. “Go ahead. Attendants love call buttons and questions.”
I knew I’d still get my oxygen mask fixed in case of an emergency because I used a schmooze line right when we boarded. “Hey! What’s your secret to looking so great on a 6 A.M. flight? A super infused smoothie? Where did you buy it? I need some!”
But if Rose touches that button, she’s a goner.
She lifts her hand and the ‘ding’ sounds. The lady in front and the guy across the aisle can relax now. The plane is safe. Rose saved us all.
And Water Sneak is headed for jail.
I readied myself for the glorious moment when the irritated attendant would come to switch off the call button. They always do this first. Then stare down at you. Kind of like a school principle. Or a raptor from Jurassic Park.
As Rose crosses my invisible property line and turns off ALL the overhead fans, I slip a miniature vodka bottle into the seat pocket. Medicinal purposes. I also offer her a red vine, which she accepts and begins to gnaw. Hopefully, she will fall asleep. If not, I’ll teach her to play solitaire on my notepad.
Then I’ll fall asleep.
The frazzled attendant arrives, and the fun begins.
Be over-the-top-nice.
It’s the only way to survive.
